This is no longer MY story…but God’s Glory! (Pt2)

I’ve received an overwhelming response since posting Part 1 of “My Story”…THANK YOU for taking the time to read it!

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Friday, January 12th 2007

I’m in ICU, have been for a couple of days…I have a 2yr old daughter and a husband whom I’ve only been married to for a minute, I’m 25yrs old and I’m dying!

Doctors are talking about cardiac arrest, renal failure and a host of other things if I don’t see a specialist neurologist immediately only…there aren’t any available to attend to me.

But God…

A Pastor we knew came to see me in ICU, he prayed for me, anointed me with oil and asked me to say the sinners prayer with him – well…since I couldn’t speak it was more grunting – but God heard me.

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Suddenly things are happening & I’m transferred to Milpark Hospital ICU where a specialist neurologist is waiting for me (FAVOUR right there). The next day my husband finds me sitting up in bed – not fully recovered BUT it’s a vast difference (Jehova Rapha) and within 2 weeks I’m out of ICU.

Doctor’s prognosis…

“The op needs to be reversed as soon as possible – the medication is only a short term solution and it’s not guaranteed – the problem is – your organs have taken strain and having major surgery is a great risk. You’re not going to find a doctor willing to take that risk!”

Impasse…

“There’s NO way I’m going back to being fat”…I would take the meds…I’d be ok…I’d live…right?!?

I did…I took the meds, (15-20 different tablets per day) and although the quality of life wasn’t great – I was alive, I was skinny (too skinny) and even fell pregnant with another baby girl!

Carrying a life but contemplating taking my own…

My pregnancy was agonizing – pain, complications and more pain!

Did I mention constant, breaking-out-in-cold-sweats-lying-awake-contemplating-suicide-PAIN?????

The pain was so bad – I considered aborting my baby – I couldn’t take it & ultimately had to undergo surgery at 19 weeks which relieved some pain…SOME!

I’d dropped another 20kgs during this time – weighing a meager 40kgs at 7 months pregnant – Aimee wasn’t doing well in utero  & had to be delivered prematurely – such a fighter though!

Every year I’d end up in ICU for a few weeks, this wasn’t a life, I wasn’t living,  wearing 9-10yr old clothing, my hair was falling out, my skin was dry and pale, my ribs & spine were protruding, I was withering away (the weight loss didn’t stop) and when it  dropped below 40kgs I had to be real…I had to undo this…I had to!

I’m smiling but inside I’m dying…

Thank you for reading Part 2…

PS: Part 3 is the finale I promise LOL!

Much Love xxx

This is my story…PT 1

I’ve been receiving a lot of questions regarding my “testimony” I mentioned in my previous blog post…so I thought I’d do a post around “My Story” to fill everyone in…it’s kinda long so I’ll do it in bits…

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A lil background…

 

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…committed suicide months before my birth…Mom raised myself and my 5 older brothers by herself (yes 5 older brothers) – twas a hard knock life for me LOL!

Early childhood was pretty normal and then at 8 I started gaining weight – it was only well into adulthood that I discovered the reason behind the weight gain… (#METOO).

Since then I gained weight at a steady pace and by high school I was hiding behind baggy tees and jeans ( it was easy to be a tomboy with 5 older brothers). Low self esteem, no confidence, insecure, constantly on diets – I despised the reflection in the mirror!  I started dating my now-husband when I was 17 which was another difficult thing to comprehend – I mean he’s a snack…what did he want with a fat girl like me?!?

Fast forward to 2005…

A year after giving birth to my daughter I’d heard about an affordable weight-loss operation being offered by a doctor in Pretoria – it sounded like a saving grace (and that’s probably what it was but in a totally different way).

I felt like it was my only way out! Being skinny or what was deemed an “acceptable” size was 1 of my dreams…right up there with all my other life goals – that probably sounds shallow to people who can’t relate but…DON’T JUDGE IF YOU’VE NEVER BEEN THERE! Society sucks!!!

I had the op…which worked like this…

A human intestine is roughly 7m long, so the average person would digest meals in 4hrs…mine was bypassed to a mere 30cm so food literally just ran straight through my system…LITERALLY!!!!

From the get-go I experienced various complications ie. Gallstones, acid reflux etc… but the doctor assured me that things would be ok…my weight-loss would eventually stabilize and then stop when I was at the ideal weight for my height.

Within 12 months I had lost an astounding 50kgs – MAMA I MADE IT!!!!! For the 1st time I felt “normal”, “accepted” and I was eager to start living (I was 23 at the time).

January 2007

3 months after our wedding…we were on holiday but something didn’t feel right…I was tired all the time and had muscle pain and then I woke up 1 morning paralyzed! I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t lift my arms or move my legs…that was the scariest moment of my life…I broke down because my husband had to bath me, dress me and comb my hair (AND HIS PONYTAIL WAS THE WORST – MY GOODNESS).

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I was taken straight to ICU with severely depleted EVERYTHING – electrolytes, vitamins, minerals (all stuff I didn’t even know we needed…but ok). Basically my organs were failing and I was dying…WHAAAAAAT – weren’t we on vacay like a minute ago?!?!?!

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But yes…I was in ICU, my organs were failing, all my muscles were in spasms which caused them to contract so I was curled up like someone that had just had a stroke, I couldn’t speak because my tongue (being a muscle too) was twisted and the doctors advised my family to come and say their goodbyes. Doctors didn’t think they could save me!

To be continued…

PS Please excuse the quality of some of the pics…it’s the only ones I have…being so accustomed to hiding from cameras!

PSS Joy comes in the morning…

Thanks for allowing me to share Part 1 with you…I’ll post the next one in a few days!

Much Love xxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Deliver ME from ME!

I’ve been on a journey of self discovery for most of the year (probably for most of my life hahahaha) – hence the sparse blog posts & #OOTDs or any sort of active social media life for that matter. 

It started with my spiritual walk, then having to relearn & reaffirm some truths about myself (especially after gaining back all the weight I lost last year) – I’m still learning – then came the decision to join the natural hair movement (NOT as easy as I assumed) –  spiritually, physically & mentally a lot was/is going on but the most prominent lesson I’m learning over and over is that I am my only hinderance. I am in my own way! 

My state of mind, the way I see myself – and I don’t just mean physically – it restricts me in every way in every area. Allowing fear, insecurities and a negative self image to cripple me. Constantly second guessing myself and doubting my abilities, living in a loop de loop of self-doubt & self shame. It’s time I break the cycle!!! 

I challenged myself to take these pics & do a blog post – totally unprepared – I had to get out of my own head , go against the grain, regardless of the weight I’ve gained or how I think I look with my big “boskop/kroeskop” because let me tell you, going natural has challenged every thought and every belief I had about myself, my appearance and my self image – Yes…hair…hair can do that!!! It’s a good thing though – it’s pushed me further out of my comfort zone – literally forcing me to embrace my truth! 

So with big arms, big hips and my now big hair – I smiled (a genuine happy smile) and posed for the camera! 

I’m big and that’s how I am right now. And this is who I am right now. And I want to live right now!!! I’m tired of hiding behind extra weight or heat damaged hair or jiggly thighs – constantly obsessing about the bathroom scale, shying away from cameras…NO… life is happening and I want to live it! 

This past week we said goodbye to 2 friends, 1 went to bed and never woke up – she wasn’t even 45yrs old – the other succumbed to injuries he sustained in a car crash – only 25yrs old – life is too short Lauren, quit fretting the small stuff! 

So this is me – boskoppy, saggy booby (I’m a mom of 3 & I probably could do with some new bras LoL – but good heavens who sets the prices for bras?!?!? – must be a man), big thighed & flabby armed – it’s me and it’s always going to be me, well, atleast physically maybe, BUT there’s another ME inside this ME and that ME is growing & learning everyday & in this moment, somehow, that’s enough! 


Leggings & Tunic: The Fix | Bag: MRP | Sandals: Gifted 

Lu 

xoxo 

I forget but God…

Hey Beautiful People 

Here’s a funny story…not funny like ha ha but you know…

My confidence as a person and as a blogger has taken a serious beating since gaining weight. Last year I was able to drop a good amount of weight – not really intentionally though – I had a really trying year, my personal & spiritual life were a mess, I was stressed and depressed and honestly, I hardly ate. I’m a happy eater – so therefore we can conclude that I am happy a lot of the time…ha ha! 

Because of this I’ve been unmotivated to blog or even shop – I’m sure many of you can relate – but God has a way of always reminding me where He’s brought me from. 


This morning I picked up this stethoscope for a cousin (her kid needed 1 for a school project) but it instantly reminded me of the time I was expecting Aimee. 

A little scene-setting…

I’d had a weight loss op done a few years prior to falling pregnant and I wasn’t in very good health. I started off at 63kgs in the beginning of my pregnancy and by the 7th month I’d dropped to 40kgs. I was sick, in constant pain, I wasn’t eating and numerous times I contemplated suicide (the pain was that bad). I remember being in such tremendous pain and speaking such horrible words during my pregnancy – death, abortion, suicide – to name a few and yet at the same time I prayed that little Aimee would make it. 

I purchased 1 of these stethoscopes because I was so afraid that she’d die inside my womb. The pain would keep me awake at night and I’d lie there with my stethoscope trying to make sure I could hear her heart beat – I’m not sure if I did hear it – but that’s what I did! 

Aimee had to be delivered prematurely, she just wasn’t thriving inside my womb so at 7months she was born at a tiny 1.4kgs – literally just skin and bone. She stayed in Neo ICU for close to 3 weeks and it was the hardest 3 weeks of my life. I blamed myself for everything that happened to her – it was all those terrible things I spoke over her – I’d say – but I was in so much pain that I just wasn’t thinking clearly – I know that’s no excuse though! 


This was a month before Aimee was delivered ☝🏽


Today God reminded me of His awesome, miracle-working power. He reminded me where He brought me from ( a dying bed in Milpark ICU), He reminded me that my story, my message, is so much more than anything as superficial as my weight. I look at Aimee and I’m in awe of Him – that even in my weakness, my pain, my sickness, He had a plan for us. I am so much more than the number on the back of my jeans. 

I’ll be doing a blog post on my story soon!


Thank You for the reminder Lord. 

Stay Slayin & Stay Prayin y’all 

Lu xxx 

Chaos and the Calm

  
I’ve had this song on repeat today. Maybe because that’s what I feel like sometimes. 

You know when you’re on a path to recovery and you’ve actually been breaking ground and out of nowhere, someone or something comes along that threatens to shake everything? 

Yeah! I’ve had to dig my heels in deep. I’m not going back there. Nope!!! Not ever!!! I might visit sometimes (LOL) but I ain’t staying! 

I’m working on myself for myself because I don’t want to be that girl. That girl who looks for validation in others. That girl who wants to be accepted. That girl who spends her days trying to prove herself. I refuse to go back!!!

This might shake me, but I won’t let it break me! 

   
    
    
    
    
    
 Jeans, sunnies & earrings – MrP | Top – Gifted | Shoes – Fashion Express | Beads – RogéroStyle

“The Lord will perfect that which concerns me.” Psalm 138:8

Stay Sassy xxx

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1 year older 


And a whole weekend of celebrations!

On Saturday I hosted a party to celebrate mine and hubby’s birthdays – mine was yesterday – yay me!!! and hubby’s is tomorrow – yay Bae!!! (Rhyming skills again – LOL).

The theme was “Gender Bender” – All my ladies came dressed as lads and guys came as girls and boy, was it fun!!!


  
  
  


  
  
 The guys really pulled out all the stops for this one and it was worth all the laughs! For once the ladies didn’t have to worry about hair and makeup and partying all night in ridiculously, high heels. Some of the guys actually have newfound respect for us ladies and all we go through to look our best – which brings me to my next point.

I’ve noticed a lot of woman 2 woman hate on social media. Girls dissing other girls for just about anything – she’s so skinny, she’s so fat, look what she’s wearing, look at her hair etc etc etc…like, what’s up with that?

Can we not admire another’s beauty without questioning our own? I honestly don’t know what I would do without the support of the women in my life and that includes people I’ve never met personally but gotten to know through social media. There are countless times when I was feeling some sort of way and I’d log onto Instagram or other and a post will just speak so much life into me. So why then do we choose to use our power and influence to bring our fellow sisters down? It just doesn’t make sense to me.

So, from tomorrow I’ll be posting a #woman2womanwednesday (It’s similar to the #WCW except that it’s exclusive to women – sorry guys!!!) I’ll be using this # every week to salute a woman of my choice – family/friend/follower  – anyone who I feel has inspired me at some point – because let’s be real – sometimes we just gotta hear the good stuff LOL!

So, ladies, please don’t be alarmed if I steal a pic and post some corny stuff about you hahahaha!

  
  
  
  

  
Jeans & Top – Mr Price I Sandals – Fashion Express I Sunnies – Cotton On I Beads – RogeroStyle I Lips – LA Girl Matte Lip in Stunner.

Quote of the Day: 

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years. – Audrey Hepburn

Stay Sassy xxx

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Do you know what today is? 


(Singing in my Tony Toni Tone voice) – It’s our anniversary!!!!


Yep! 9 years ago I said I do to my BEST friend and 9 years later, I still do!

My husband and I started dating 2 days after my 17th birthday (his 19th birthday).

I knew from the moment we first met that he was very different to other guys. Apart from his charming good looks, ( wink) he had this “thing”about him, still has today. It’s this, I-don’t-care-what-people-think-about-me attitude and honestly, it’s what attracted me to him.

At 17 (and many years later) I was the complete opposite of this (what I thought), rebellious 19yr old boy. He lived in the moment, did what made him happy and never apologized for it. It was intriguing to say the least.

Today, after almost 16yrs as an item and 9 yrs of marriage, we’ve both changed and grown in many ways but he still has that “thing” about him. Although, not in a selfish, single guy kind of way, no, he still lives in the moment, only now, he lives to make his family happy – and still doesn’t apologize for it!

I would like to honour you today Brandon (this post is for you babe), beside the obvious; our 3 beautiful kids, the provision, the protection, the affection that you often have to fight for (sorry), you have loved me literally from thick to thin and back to thick again. Your love was constant, undeterred by the number on the scale.


You took care of me when I was as good as dead and you were right there when depression reared its ugly head (rhyming skills ha ha).

You are never afraid to let me & the rest of the  world know how much I mean to you. You love our children (and tease the heck out of them) unconditionally. You’ve taught me how to make my voice heard and how to say no when I need to. But most of all, I want to thank you for the laughs. You really do make me LOL and that’s my favorite thing.

Here’s to 91 more anniversaries with you babe ❤️

I love you more and more everyday (except yesterday, yesterday you were really annoying LOL). 

Is that a mush I see?

  
  

Mirror Mirror on the wall…


Are you happy with what you see when you look in the mirror?

Now, I’m not talking about your fabulous legs or your million dollar smile, no, I mean when you look long and hard – are you happy with the person you see looking back at you?

It recently hit me how far I’ve come in the last year. You see, a year ago I wasn’t in a very good place. Some relationships /friendships had gone sour and I felt betrayed. I allowed my feelings of betrayal to make me bitter and resentful and we all know how that just eats at you like poison.

I didn’t realize then what God was teaching me. I didn’t trust Him like I should’ve and my bitterness was a clear indication. Slowly, He showed me His plans and today I’m  grateful.

I’ve since forgiven  (even though the relationships might not have gone back to the way it was) , I’m moving forward with all the lessons learned. I can confidently say I’m stronger, wiser and better than my former self. Yes, I am (and forever will be) a work in progress but I do not despise the lessons learned, however small.

So, my answer would be yes, I am happy with what I see when I look in the mirror – because I am fearfully & wonderfully made!

 

  
  
  
  
  
Dress – Ackermans (old)

Sandals – Rockport (gifted)

Earrings – Mr P

Bangles – Truworths

Lips – LA Girl matte gloss in Tulle

Fun Fashion Fact:

” False eyelashes were first invented in 1916 when Hollywood producer, D.W. Griffith decided to enhance the eyelashes of Seena Owen for his film “Intolerance”. He wanted her eyelashes to brush her cheeks.These were made by a local wig maker using human hair woven through fine gauze.”

 

Thanks for stopping by and stay cute xxx

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Let’s take it back to the beach

  
   

  This song has been on repeat today, and judging from what I’m wearing, you can tell what my current mood is. 

Sun, sand and sea! That’s what I long for. It’s all I think about lately. I need a break from the hustle and bustle that is Johannesburg. 

Maybe it’s because we’re in the last quarter of 2015, maybe it’s because Spring has sprung, maybe I just haven’t been on vacay in a while, whatever the reason, I need it and want it! 

Better start planning then…

“a little sand between your toes always takes away your woes.” 

   
    
 Peasant top – Gifted

Ripped jeans – DIY (I bought the jeans at MRP and ripped them myself haha)

Sandals & hat – MrP 

Earrings – Truworths 

Lips – LA Girls matte in Tulle 

Fun Fashion Fact:

“Cotton fabric was used for clothing for over 7,000 years. Just one bale of cotton could make 215 pairs of jeans.”

Stay Cute xxx

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My Liebster Award Nomination

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Wow – Thank you Carly from BeYoutiful for Nominating me for the Liebster Award!

This is my 1st nomination of this kind…so let’s get to it then 😊

Here are the rules for this award…

  1. Thank the blogger who nominated you with a link back to his/her blog
  2. Answer the questions asked by the nominator
  3. Nominate 5 – 10 bloggers with under 500 followers
  4. Create 10 questions for the nominees to answer.

1. What inspired you to start blogging?

 I want to inspire women, especially plus size women like myself.

I want them to know that Style AND Beauty comes in ALL shapes AND sizes.

2. How would you describe your blogging style?

 I have a very close friend who always tells me that I’m an extremist, so I’d say my

blogging style is a true reflection of me – there are days when it’s extremely chilled and

laid back and then there are days where I dig deep – I like to keep it real!

   3. What are your pet peeves when it comes to fashion?

 Fashion for plus size women is VERY limited. I wish retailers would wake up –

PLUS SIZE  WOMEN LIKE STYLISH CLOTHES TOO!

4. Name one blogger whom you look up to and why?

 I do love Chastity Garner from GarnerStyle – she is always on point with her outfits

and she doesn’t let her size hinder her style.

5. What are you wearing today?

Today I’m wearing a very comfortable dress I picked up from Mastik Couture – it’s grey in colour. I’m also wearing a pair of gladiator sandals I picked up from MrP as well as gold hoop earrings and a gold necklace also from MrP.

6. Favourite Song?

Mmmmmm – remember that I am an extremist?!?! So…my music taste varies A LOT but the last song I downloaded on iTunes is Flashlight by Jessie J.

7. Favourite Movie?

Ok, this is quite difficult but I’d say Dirty Dancing – Dont judge hahaha!

8. Ideal holiday destination?

Sun, Sand, blue waters, clear skies – that kinda thing!

9. One word to describe yourself ?

Quirky

10. Favourite time of the year?

I’m such a festive person – I love Chistmas – the carols playing everywhere you go, kids can’t contain their excitement, families and friends get together, there’s always an abundance of food and gifts – who doesn’t love gifts?!?!

Here are my questions for my nominees:

  1. What inspired you to start blogging?
  2. How did you come up with the name for your blog?
  3. Do you prefer high end stores or do you wear clothing from any store?
  4. How often do you shop for clothing?
  5. Do you have a set budget for clothing purchases?
  6. What is your ideal day out?
  7. Which part of your body do you love the most and why?
  8. How would you describe your fashion style?
  9. What/Who are you currently using to take pictures for your blog?
  10. If you had a clothing line what would you call it and why?

I nominate the following bloggers:

The Mrs Paulsen

Guess What Girls

Sisters and Stilettos

Lisa Bonafide

Through Shaded Eyes

Thank you once again BeYoutiful for the nomination and shoutout 💋

Fun Fashion Fact:

“Today it is common to see women and girls wear their hair short but decades ago, if a woman was spotted with short hair she was considered to be an unfaithful wife.”

Stay cute xxx

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